How can what be? Well, relatively recently, I slipped into my ninth decade of existence on this planet. How can that be?! It seems only yesterday that I was running around the Pelham Projects  (a tenement community in the Bronx, NY) with my 7-year-old buddies; playing ‘cops and robbers’ and ‘stick ball.’ I remember vividly their faces, their names and the special traits (in each) that caused me to look upon each with favor, or disfavor. Amazingly, I am still close friends with a few of them; although I have long lost touch with most – including one who has died.

Which leads me to ruminate about three aspects of ‘growing old.’

• First, why it pained me to write the penultimate clause of the last sentence of the last paragraph.
• Second, isn’t it remarkable that I have been able to sustain a close relationship with a person (not my spouse) who first crossed my path three quarters of a century ago? How common is that? And are such relationships more meaningful and/or more valuable than, say, a relatively short-term friendship?
• Lastly, how is it possible that, even at this ‘late hour,’ I and my old friends are engaged in planning future events, trips and celebrations – even a decade into the future? Is that wise? realistic? Is it typical or uncharacteristic of our cohort?

To the first point, what exactly was painful about the afore-mentioned clause? The answer: because thinking about the astounding number of people with whom I have crossed paths in my life, but who are now completely out of my life, is disturbing. Why so? Well, surely (as implied above), one of the chief purposes of a human life is to build sturdy, trusting, meaningful, lasting  and mutually beneficial relationships – that is, close friendships. And so, one of the barometers for measuring a succcessful life is the size – and quality — of the roster of close personal friendships that one establishes over a lifetime.

Well, I am very fortunate that I can still count among my friends a few people with whom I was friendly as a youth. These friendships are indeed a treasure – they give meaning and value to my life; help me to to tie together the strands of my early life with my life today; and give me a strong sense of accomplishment. What is sad, or ‘painful’ is that it is quite possible that there were more life-long friendships, available to me among the coterie of friends from my youth, that I failed to cultivate. Moreover, the same statement can be made about other individuals I’ve encountered over the years. Indeed, it is sad to acknowledge that I have had scores of: fellow students, colleagues, teammates and indeed relatives, who have left my orbit. Perhaps in some instances because I didn’t work hard enough to cultivate a relationship…a friendship. Alas, lost opportunities!

Well, perhaps I am being silly. How many close friends can one have, after all? Perhaps more than I have/had. I fear that I missed opportunities to get to know some people better and perhaps form a close relationship.

Which leads me to the second point. Yes, I missed some opportunities. But by no means, all of them! Indeed, it is somewhat of a miracle to be able to form and keep life-long, deep, meaningful and treasured bonds of friendship.  It is a blessing that doesn’t come to everyone.  After all, what are the blessings of life? They include: forming a successful, beautiful and bountiful marital union; bearing and raising children; pursuing a meaningful career or avocation, being able to ‘do good’ (charitable work, etc.) and – to reiterate — forming lasting, deep and meaningful friendships. To be able to do the latter,  and spawn some that span a lifetime, is indeed a blessing.

So, finally, to my third point. Of my four grandparents, two lived into their 70s; one to his early 80s; and the last until 90. I was fortunate in that my parents were very young when I was born. And their parents were also young when they were born. All my grandparents were in their late 40s/early 50s when I was born. (Incidentally, they all attended my wedding 21 years later.) My earliest clear memories of them date to when I was 6-7 years old – they were in their late 50s/early 60s. By the time I was a late teen and interacted meaningfully with them, they were in their late 60s/early 70s. But at that time, and even earlier, they were old. At least that’s how I remember them. Not just them. Most of the 70-year-old people I have met in my life presented as ‘old’ to me. And they were. Most would not survive another decade; and in that decade, they were plagued with maladies of various sorts and severities.

But that has changed dramatically in the last decade or so. Now when I look around at my octogenarian friends, virtually no one gives off an ‘old’ vibe. Yes, there are more aches and pains than there used to be, but my friends don’t see themselves as old, don’t behave like old people, and don’t consider themselves to be at the end of their life. I hope I also fit into that category. Like them, I try not to present myself as ‘old’. For example, I still exercise regularly – including robust swimming; my friends are still playing pickle ball, golf and tennis — OK no football, but yes softball. They and their wives are still traveling, socializing, volunteering, and even working some. I like to think that having life-long friends reinforces this youthful attitude.

Well, the grim reaper has a way of catching us off guard. My late wife (felled by a short bout with pancreatic cancer nearly a decade ago at the age of 71) can attest to that. But the experts tell us that, on average, people are living longer – and healthier while doing so. My dear friends are testimony to that assertion.

Well, I hope I have not put a curse on them (or myself). My new younger wife (mid 70s) assures me that my recognizing their ‘youth and vitality’ is wisdom from me and a blessing for them. And so, my youthful octogenarian friends reveal ‘how that can be!’

Ron Lipsman

Potomac, MD

July 2024